Saturday, June 13, 2009

If You Can't Say Anything Nice....

Dear people who care:

Stop pressuring me. Stop mocking me. Stop trying to make me live exactly the way you want me to. Don't you see this pattern forming? I fuck up huge, and everyone gives up for a while. Then I start picking up the pieces and climb slowly to my feet. You, helpfully, take this moment to load up my backpack with really heavy rocks; labelled "Why is it so hard?", "Drama queen", "You can do better", "You can do more", "I'm really disappointed in you", "I'm worried about you", "Grow up!", "Do this thing, not that thing". I shoulder my backpack and start hiking again and you start throwing more rocks at me; "You should be going faster", "You should be doing more", "You should do that differently", "You should do something else". I fuck up and fall. You disappear, leaving a few of your rocks behind, digging into my back. I just lay on the ground and think "Maybe I'm just not meant to walk. Maybe I just belong here on the ground, it's not so bad, really. Other people can walk, I'm just gonna lay here and hurt." But I really want to walk; I really want to run. So I start picking up the pieces and climb slowly to my feet.

You are not helping. You are contributing to the problem. I do not live on your timeline. Your goals for me are not my goals. Things that are easy for you are not so easy for me. Just leave me alone, and let me walk. I'm a very slow walker, but I will get there eventually.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Good Stuff

I'm going in a new direction. I'm embracing my inner Pollyanna and talking about the good stuff. At least I'll try, but sometimes I just need to vent and be a whiny angsty girl, so no promises.
School's over, at least this semester. The scary teacher I had got fired and we had a sub for the last four classes. I think I'm gonna pass.
I've been cleaning my house forever getting ready for my stepsister's baby shower. It's finally ready, I just spent a couple hours putting together party favors. It's happening on Saturday and it will be great.
Anyway, I'm not thinking too clearly at the moment, this'll have to just be short & sweet.